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random update

Haven't posted to my own blog in ages. Lily keeps me pretty busy.

Right now, she's sleeping, so I'm taking a little ME time. And debating whether to get her up...

Things are kind of going along in a routine. Seems like Eric and I are working out some relationship issues, or at least have become more aware of them.

My family is... just ugh. Same old same old. They're soooo negative. Bitching about everything. The snow. The cold. This, that, and everything. I know they'll get a bit better in the spring (without the cold/ice/snow to bitch about)... but I'm just getting so tired of the negativity. It's such a downer to talk to them. And they almost never call me -- I have to call them. I have to visit them. I'd gladly PAY them gas money to come visit us... but that won't happen.

Eric's family, however, is good. Andrea is coming to visit next week for Lily's birthday. Instead of a cake-and-ice-cream party, though, we're going to take Lily to the Children's Museum. Make it a fun day for Lily, do things LILY will enjoy. I'll make or buy some cupcakes to take in to her daycare for her birthday too, so she'll have a little party with her daycare buddies.

Sep. 6th, 2010

Things just seem to get worse with Mom. The doctors who do the tests the GI surgeon (Dr. B.) wants Mom to have are booked up until October 18. So I either make some more damn calls (on work time) to see if I can find some other docs to do these tests sooner and have the results sent to Dr. B., or we wait until October 18. Dr. B. was okay with waiting until October 18, but I know Mom isn't.

She got her check from her 401k withdrawal to pay for her court fees and medical bills. But the check doesn't cover everything, and she still hasn't gotten (that I know of) disability check. She doesn't have money for rent, utilities, car payment, car insurance, food... and we would have to use credit cards or borrow money to pay for her bills on top of ours. So we can't help her financially.

Nana said that Mom could stay with her, but she'd have to give up her cats. Mom is talking about living in her car with her cats rather than give them up.

OKAY, I really understand that she loves her cats and it would be hard to give them up. BUT, she's delusional to think she can live in her car with two cats. Eric and I both have told her that it's not healthy, she can't do that. Eric asked where are you going to keep a litter box in your car? I told her it would be too hot in the car in the daytime and too cold at night -- she can't keep her car running 24/7 to keep the temperature right. She asked me if I would give up my cats, and I told her yes I would if it came down to give them up or risk my health. I told her it would be hard, and I would miss them, but I would do it.

So, I expect she's going to be evicted soon for not being able to pay rent, and she'll have to go live with Nana. I found three no-kill animal shelters near enough to Nappanee/Goshen that we can take the cats to, hoping that would help Mom to know that her cats will not be euthanized, they'll be taken care of until they're adopted.

It's just... ugh. I know Mom's in a terrible situation, but she is bawling on the phone everytime she calls me. She keeps harping on and bawling over the same things, but she won't do a damn thing for herself, even make phone calls. Eric and I both asked her to call her property manager and talk to him about not having the money for her rent, to see what her options were. She wouldn't. She doesn't open her bills, so she doesn't even know how much money she actually owes.

So I'm getting to the point where it's frustrating to help because she won't help herself. I dread answering the phone when I see she's calling.

Aug. 29th, 2010

Lily's taking a nap -- I put her down in her crib, which seems to be the only place besides the car that she'll sleep. I hope she stays asleep for at least an hour... we'll see.

I have a little "me" time while she's napping... but I don't really have much to do besides chores. Laundry/scooping cat boxes can wait a bit. I don't really feel like playing games. So I figured I'd blog a bit.

I took Mom to see the GI surgeon in Indy. He wanted to do some tests to see exactly what's going on, and to treat her with meds for 4-8 weeks and see how she responded. I found out later that she does have some meds prescribed for GERD and erosions, but she couldn't remember the names of her scrips and I didn't have the sheet of meds with me. GAH! Eric and I talked to her a lot about taking her meds as prescribed. She was crying and telling me that she didn't want to be on all those meds. I told her, "You are going to make yourself SICKER if you don't take the medicine like you're supposed to." I hope that sank in.

Eric took her back home Thursday evening/night, and he said he talked to her more about her meds and straightened her out about the family situation. I guess she did actually call Nana and Cindy and apologize for being shitty to them. Don't know how much that helped, considering the grudges Nana (and probably Cindy) can hold. But at least it's a step in the right direction.

Money is a big fat hairy scary concern right now. Eric and I are scraping the frickin' bottom of our resources right now. We're going to have to use credit cards to cover some expenses (hopefully just groceries). Mom has rent, electric/gas, car payment and insurance, and health insurance payments coming up, not to mention needing groceries.... and she doesn't have any money for them. I don't know what she's going to do. We can't help unless we put all that shit on credit cards or borrow money from somewhere/someone. NOT what we want to do. Ugh. We need to win the lottery or win something on a scratch-off. Just give us, oh, $5k, that will get us all through this shitty patch.

Well, since I can't do much right now about anything with Mom, I'm going to enjoy my Lily day and try to do some stuff to take care of myself. I haven't been eating very well lately or drinking enough water. I'm going to get some good food at the grocery store... stuff that's healthy and easy to make. So I think I'll start making a list and maybe looking up some recipes.

viscious circles

Was up in Goshen again on Friday. Eric came with Lily and me, and we took Mom to see her doc. He did an oral memory test, and Mom missed some of the questions, so there's no doubt that she is having some problems with short-term memory. The doc wanted to try adjusting her meds first to see if that helps.

After that, I got an appointment scheduled to see a surgeon in Indy. So we/I will have to go up and get Mom, bring her back to Indy... Not sure yet if we'll go up and back Wednesday or go up on Tuesday and back on Wed for the appt.

As far as family goes, I'm getting tired of lies, misinterpretations, avoidance, and faulty memories. I can't believe any of them. Nana, because she (by her own admission) still thinks of me as being 8 years old, and because she won't tell me things because she's protecting me. Cindy, because I have caught several things she's said that weren't true... If I can assume those who told her and those who told me what she said are yelling the truth. Mom, because she simply does not remember things - either she can't remember at all, or misremembers what happened.

I'm seriously thinking I will want to avoid them all after Mom has her surgery.

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So when I left Goshen Friday, I asked Mom to call me every day AT LEAST ONCE, so I'd know she was okay being home by herself. Cut for more rants.Collapse )

Getting really worried.

Gotta get this out!

I apologize in advance for unloading, but I need to RANT.Collapse )

This situation is just too much.

posting from phone

Decided to try out posting from my BlackBerry since I do most of my social networking on it anyway. This is a test to see how well I like it and if it's worth doing. And if I can put up with the inevitable spelling errors and typos!

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

There are so many angry people out there

Went to Marsh last night to do a quick grocery run while Eric watched Lily. When I got there, a mom was loading her groceries and getting her two kids in the truck. The little girl wandered a little ways away after the cart, and the mom yelled in this scary-ass, mean voice "LILLIAN NOW!" It seriously sounded like she was ready to beat the child.

Sad. I felt bad for that little girl to have her mother yell at her with that tone of voice for just going ten feet away after the cart. If I ever use that tone of voice with my Lillian, she better be doing something very, very bad -- like putting the cat in the washer!

Then when I was in the checkout lane, the guy behind me got two call on his phone, and was cussing and snapping at whoever was calling (wife? girlfriend? daughter?). What a jerk.

Makes me glad that Eric isn't like that guy in the checkout lane, and I'm not like that mom in the parking lot.

I love my family, BUT....

They freakin' annoy me. I took Lily to Goshen to visit family and go to my cousin's baby shower this weekend. (She plans on breastfeeding, yay.) So Lily had lots of visiting with aunties and grandmas, and I had lots of shuttling between houses and trying to get places on time and get out of town at a decent time.

Annoyance #1: "When are you going to stop breastfeeding?" Lily turns one year in a few more weeks, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I got that question. Twice. (From Grandma R and Aunt Dawn.) They didn't say directly, but I get the impression they think I should have stopped by now or stop when Lily turns 1 year. I told them that I didn't have a particular date or age in mind to stop. I wanted to say that LILY will decide when she's done nursing (not me!), but I'd like to keep nursing her to 2 years or past -- but I figured that would freak them out. :-) At least Mom is supportive -- when I told her about Grandma R asking when I would stop nursing, Mom exclaimed "Lily is so little and she's doing so well on breastmilk, why would you stop!?!" :-) Thanks Mom!

Annoyance #2: Will you people STOP shoving food in my baby's face!!! Please ASK ME FIRST! Grandma R and Dawn both fed her table food before I could stop them or at least OK what they were giving her. Luckily, Lily didn't gag, choke, or puke on them, and she seemed okay with the stuff she got. And they weren't giving her anything bad, per se... it's just that Lily has been so slow to pick up solids, that I'm being very careful with what I introduce and how, and it worried me that she'd get sick from having cream cheese or raspberry sauce (with all those little choking hazard seeds in it!) or bean soup.

Annoyance #3: Smoking in the basement... really? I appreciate that they're not smoking in the same room as Lily, but seriously, going to the basement to smoke is asinine. SMOKE RISES.

Annoyance #4: Mom's pain/medical problems and living conditions. Mom worries me. I caught her several times wincing and seeming like she was gasping in pain or having trouble catching her breath. She's complained to me about the severe pain she has in her side and back, but she doesn't seem to have talked to her doctor about it. I'm so frustrated because there's nothing I can do to help her. She should be getting help -- a prescription for the pain, at least -- but she just doesn't seem to make any effort to help herself. The same goes for her living conditions. She told me it's been a month since she had hot water because her water heater broke. She got another one, but it's sitting in the living room because David hasn't installed it. (Okay, seriously, David better hope to God I don't get within twenty feet of him, because I want to hurt that man for being a useless shit and putting Mom through hell. Mom should throw him out, put a restraining order on him. Or better yet, move into a livable place and leave him in that rotting, broken trailer. But she won't. ARRRRRRGH!!!!!)

Annoyance #5: Migraines. Okay, this is indirectly related to family. The drive home was hellish because it was a bright, sunny, beautiful day... and that bright sun on the snow gave me a fucking migraine. I threw up in Wabash (luckily I managed to pull over and get the door open, so I hurled on the street). I won't be eating beans for a while... they look the same going up as going down... so gross. I don't know how I managed the rest of the drive home, but I did. Lily, the little sweetie, slept peacefully the entire way home. And Eric took care of us both when we got home.

So, after those annoyances, it was so good to get home to my wonderful hubby. He did a lot of moving stuff around when we were in Goshen, so Lily's room and the guest room (former office) are pretty much set up now. :-)

Moving forward, I hope

Eric and I got in a fight (a real fight, the first ever) last weekend. He wasn't quite yelling at me, but he was raising his voice and slammed the door on his way out (to work). He said some hurtful things, and I suppose I did too. For the first time, I started feeling like being single would be easier because I'd just have to worry about Lily and myself. I wouldn't have the stress and worry about trying to please him and make him happy... which seemed that day to be an impossible task.

We had a discussion when he got home, and I think it helped. At least, I seemed to feel better.

We went to see the therapist together yesterday. We're coming out of that with the resolution to have more time together as a couple, no baby, even if that's just for an hour. (So... need to find a few more possible weekend/evening sitters...) I need to figure out a task or two to relinquish to Eric to lighten my load. And I need to find something to do for "me" time.